ONLY IF I COULD REWIND MY LIFE ( A STORY OF A SELF-MADE WOMAN)

Hello All,

Here i come again with yet another post, a story of a woman i came across. I would like to share this story the same way as it was narrated to me. I am not being woman centric, but truly speaking women most of the times don't even realise what they are going through, what they expect from life, what is right or wrong for them. But once they realise, they are at the best of it. So her she starts with her life experience:

Destiny wasn't faithful to me since childhood. I had faced a lot of abuse, both physical and mental. Faced would not be the  right word, rather I should say I tolerated it. But this is what we Indian woman are taught by our parents. We are asked to "tolerate"and "adjust". I put these words in inverted commas because if at all I was asked to rewind my life....this attitude would never be the atiitude of my life.But according to our society, this is what the SANSKARI girls do. I too followed the rules of society. Inspite of being sexually abused by my neighbouring uncle I kept mum, never let anybody know about it not even my mum. I would shiver when I would come across that uncle even in the staircase of our building but still I chose to keep quiet. I would try to runaway from the place but not protest. Years went by and I stepped into college, where I fell in love with a handsome guy, he was so so charming that I felt like I would do any damn thing to be his lady love. I tried to chase him like anything, with the help of my friends....and finally , without even waiting for his response I just proposed to him and my destiny opened up when he accepted my proposal. I was crazy like anything. We dated for almost a month, but somehow I never found him comfortable with me. There was something that kept him mentally disturbed but I was least bothered as I was obsessed for him. It was a Thursday afternoon, I was waiting for him at the railway station, as usually we used to travel together to college...It was almost an hour and half but he didn't turn up. There was no mobile technology in those days so I couldn't contact him. I crossed all my insanity levels that day as I waited for him  to come for almost 4 hours but he didn't turn up. It was a day of unrest for me as I was unaware of the reason of his not coming. The next day I tried to desperately talk to him but he didn't even notice me. I tried for several days but no response. I couldn't concentrate on anything. My dear friend who was watching my unrest full behavior then took an initiative for me and spoke to him and the outcome was a nightmare for me. He already was dating a girl with whom he had differences and had broke off.He was with me just to envy her and the day they patched up I was not required. This deeply hurt me, rather broke me. I couldn't sleep for so many nights thinking why I was the victim of this situation? But things were not under my control.What I could do is just cry it off. He would pass by my side with his girlfriend and what I could do is just ignore. I passed out of college and then I met my friend who was common between me and my ex. She told me that my ex wanted me back in his life and my spontaneous reaction was a big NO. As we age our maturity levels rise. And that's what happened with me. I slowly started choosing right and understand what is right. But they say na a person is never perfect.  I always wished I had someone in my life who would love me, care for me, attend me.Marriage proposals were on board.  My mother found a match for me and I got married to the guy of her choice. On the very first night of my wedding I was made to understand my role, responsibilities as a daughter in law and wife...and I accepted those....did I ever have a choice?  Things  were going pretty good...I very well handled my job at my home as well as office. I being an interior designer was handling the best projects in the office. My superiors were very happy with my work and was also given promotion with additional responsibilities. As workload increased , late sittings in office became recurrent.
Once i was back home I had no energy to do household work. Day by day my efforts at home would be minimum...but nothing was purposeful...I was left with no energy at the end of the day. But nobody would understand. Mother-in-law continued to be rude and taunt. My husband never interfered...he had a one liner to say, "Please don't bother me, just ignore".  Her behavior was indeed disturbing but i never let it come in the way of my work. There were unhappy with me not being a responsible daughter-in-law. But they never ever asked to me to leave my job, they wanted me to be earning as well as a servant to the family. Though my words would be a bit harsh. But this is what i could feel. Days passed on and I got used to their attitudes. I was pregnant with our first child now. All were very happy. Special attention was given to me in the family. Every need of mine was taken care of. I was in the impression that now things will change, people will change. A beautiful era is to come. I conceived with my first child...a baby girl. She was so beautiful like a doll. I wanted to do every possible thing for her. Being a mother is a full time job. Now I had three jobs- looking after the adults in the family, my child and my job. I managed the show to my best...but complains never stopped. At certain times there would be certain lags from my side, but I am a human I can't be perfect all the time. Yet I tried to adhere to their needs. They all were very important to me. They were my life, my husband was someone for me, without whom even a moment would be difficult. But he had no time for me. He was too busy with his work, partying and touring with his friends. According to him social life was very important, I agree, but what about me, I had no one in my life to talk to, to share my feelings, to take care of my needs. I always felt leftout. I had no friends as i always gave my priority to my family. And never partyed or even tried to meet them. I was busy in my own world.His ignorance was killing me each day. He wasn't a bad human being, but he definitely wasn't a dedicated husband. I was in my 40s now and my daughter started studying in college. She was in the age where now I could conversate with her freely, would share my thoughts, enjoy  good time with her. But as she entered the college world she had her own friend circle and got busy with so many things. She was lost in her own world. Now I was in a state where I felt like I had lost everything in life. Each day was a burden. Life changes at every stage and the changes are a phase. One day I came through an article in newspaper wherein they had mentioned about a 1 month spiritual  tour to himalayas. This tour  looked exciting but I knew  I had no chance for this tour as I had so many responsibilities. But, still I just wanted to get information about the tour and so I visited the travel company's office. They explained me all the itinerary and other info about the tour. It was so interesting that I just now wanted to pack my bags and leave but......again the same old duties had to interfere.There was this another lady who had visited the travel company for enquiring about the same tour. We spoke to each other and she asked me whether I would be interested. She had made up her mind for this tour but I had no answer. She offered me a lift in her car. She again asked me whether I would join  her and I just smiled with a thoughtful expression on my face. May be she could make out my mind and then what she spoke was what has changed my life forever. She said" what u desire, will not always come to your way. No matter how much you try to keep people happy, they will be happy only if and when they want to. Sometimes they may not be happy with you even if you lay your life for them, they will respond according to their own mood and in the process of trying to keep them happy and contended you  won't even know that you have missed out most of the happiness in  your own life." This statement had a great impact on me. At the time I felt like someone slapped me tight and woke me up from a deep sleep. I decided, I wanted to go on this trip, wanted to explore myself, make new friends, understand myself. Once my husband was back from office in the evening, on the dinner table, i expressed my desire to go for this trip and their expressions were like someone was dead. All were unhappy and opposed to my decision. But the lady's words were revolving around my soul. I stood hard on my decision and even started packing. It was a very emotional moment for me. A day before leaving for the tour, I wrote a letter to my husband and daughter. I wanted to write what i could never ever dare to speak.


Dear Husband,
When we got married, I did not know much about you and your family, but even though I entered your life with a trust that you would care for me, love me like no one would have ever, I thought I would be the most important person in your life after your parents. But you were too busy keeping your friends and parents happy. You asked me to ignore whenever your parents would be unjust to me, tell me how would u react if the same was done by my parents to you, would you ignore? No, you won't! I was new to your family culture, you people should have given me some time to get familiar to it. You all wanted me to be a multitasking woman and I had given  my best, but you all still found flaws in it. I also wished to rest after I came from office, like u do, but did I ever get that time for me? Now, when I am leaving for the most looked forward journey of my life, you are requested to take care of our daughter, your parents who have now grown old enough that they require assistance for almost everything , make sure you pay the utility bills in time, go for shopping with our daughter and get her everything that she wants but remember please fit the bill in our monthly budget or else you can sacrifice for some your required stuff as I used to. I don't expect much from you dear as I know it's not a difficult task. I have done it for years and you have to take care only for a month. I am sure you will be able to do this without any flaws, just like you expected from me.Good luck.
With luv
Your beloved wife.

A letter to my daughter:


Dear daughter,
Before leaving for this 1 month journey, let me thank you for making me realize how important friends are, more than a family. But unfortunately, I couldn't retain my friends due to various reasons. You are one of those reasons. Your birth was the most beautiful thing that happened in my life. I was so lost in your upbringing that I never gave time to my friends, I always wanted to be with you, you were so much important to me. I wanted to capture every moment of your life in my eyes. So I never attended parties and picnics. But now when I have decided to step out for a month, kindly take care of your requirements on your own. You have to press your own clothes,serve yourself with dinner, pack your own bags and many more things. I am sure you will be able to dis without any trouble.
Your loving mom.

I don't know what impact these letters will have on both of them. May be they might ignore it. But I just got an opportunity to open up. I am now heading towards the most important journey of my life. But I sometimes think, only if I could rewind my life, I would change everything. Though a bit late but life has taken a new turn and I am very happy for this new phase.

FEELINGS

“Feeling” seems to be a small word but means a lot to people’s life.

A feeling of love, a feeling of lust, a feeling of hatred, a feeling of betrayal, a feeling of guilt, a feelingof receiving attention and, the list continues...... So many mixed feelings hit us everyday, every moment of our life. Some hurt us,  some give us happiness, but what we can do with the feelings is either control them or release them. To release them means to live them, to control them means to kill
the you in yourself. They keep changing their route and we keep chasing them like a cricket score.sometimes we win,  sometimes we loose.

I have seen people advising me to control my feelings when I am too angry or too happy. “Man”!!!!! Y the hell should I control my feelings. I am just releasing my emotions. That is what the healers and
physcics do to us. They just calmly listen to our words and help us release the emotional baggage
and finally we realise that we are out of pain. The fact is that we have just released the controlled
emotions, the healers are just a channel to it. So when it can be that easy, why pay? I mean if we
express ourselves confidently n fearlessly to every individual life will be so easy. I am not against any
healer or psychic, I myself have been to them and found relief for myself, but sometimes I feel what
is it that obstructs me from expressing myself? And it’s as simple as “Log Kya Kahenge”.

A close friend of mine, a confident and a determined lady, who has always listened to her heart even
fell a prey to her feelings. She was determined to leave the corporate world to be a yoga instructor,
but a small accident and then the mind games begun, she tried to work on so many options other
than yoga, though she is meant only and only for yoga and that she would do her best in life in this
field. It was not her actually, but it was the phase which brought the waves of mixed feelings in her,
but for those who are determined such waves do not last longer. The phase passed, the feelings
were released and she conquered. This was not to discuss someone’s personal life, but an example,
and I am sure almost all of us have had this phase in our lives.

There are times when you are damn angry with someone but at the same time u  love  them. Take an instance, you are upset with your partner for forgetting your birthday, but at the same moment, you would do the  most for this person in case he is hurt or something goes wrong with him. Feelings are like magic, they are in the air, you dont know their true colours. We feel we are slave to our feelings, but truth is we are their masters. But to be a master, u need the qualities of  a master - Belief in yourself, values and the   most important the art  to control them.

All I want to say in this blog is Dream, Plan, Believe, Express and Achieve  That’s the only mantra to be happy and successful. Though a tough task for each one of us, but we shouldn’t hesitate to give it a try.